.: Evil Bitch :.

Sow - An adult female pig (source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sow)

0520 19 January 2005. A day of reckoning (in more ways than one) for me. Today is the day when Manchester United played (trashed, more like it) Burton Albion 5-0. I dragged myself out of bed at 3.45 am and was watching the game at one of the trashy mamaks near my place.

Heck, at 5.20 am, the game was already well into the second half, MU was leading 3-0, and I was grinning to no end at that little crap team called Burton which ventured into the Theatre of Dreams thinking about beating the Devils.

Yes, I was having a field day, right until some strange beast made a noise not at all disimilar to a snorting sow during feeding time. It was trying to talk and laugh at the same time, and doing it loudly on top of it's lungs, as if it's belting out "Symphony No 5 in C Minor" for all of us to hear. There was probably about 8-9 other Devil fans there, not counting the mamak waiters. We all heard the snorting bitch, alright. Heck, I think the fans from the other mamak two blocks down heard the same horrible noise as well, albeit less damaging.

And so like the rest of the fans, we duly turn our heads away from the game and tried to locate the source of the enviroment pollutant. And there's our first mistake. Instead of running like heck for our lives, curiosity got better of us and we simply decided to look.

And what greeted us there was the most horrible creature ever conceived: it barely looked human, horrible and atrocious to the core, but the worst part was the noise. It was apparently oblivious to our stares and our disgusted look, and continued to joyfully blare its trap as loudly as the lungs permit.

And believe me, that thing has much more lung space than both you and me combined. It probably weigths a few tons too and the gravity from the mass of that object would bend light as it travels past it.

However, it conforms to the nature of pyschology: The more horrendous and bigger a particular creature is, the more sound it will often try to emit in order to attract attention to themselves. In this case, it tried to attract the attention of all the mamak patrons with stories about her college, housemate's double timing scandals, how it almost got into an accident driving that day ..etc etc Strange huh? I mean, do WE really want to know all that bunch of crap ? Hell, we just want some peace and quiet to enjoy our game. Is that too much to ask?

And surely, I do pity those bunch of boys silly enough to invite the sow out for a cup of tea. I believe they would be diagnosed with brain cancer before the end of this week, no doubt. And of course, I do believe it's the last time they EVER invite that sow out.

I looked around. Some wanted to puke, others had teary eyes, some probably was wishing for mommy's hug. I simply wanted to commit suicide.

So to you who 'entertained' us with your noise and spoilt our game, you will now have the honor of being plastered on Online Blasphemy. Congratulations, you big fatass SOW. And thanks for spoiling a perfectly awesome football day for me.

.: Evil Hoggers :.

We've all experienced this at least once in our life, and more probably countless times. The experience never fail to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth akin to having just chewed a rotten rat whole. And then swallowing the decomposed rodent.

Yes, that pretty much sums it all up. The experience of standing behind friggin ATM machine hoggers. Their MO is always the same. And they have a few basic and simple traits that distinctly separates them from genuine normal ATM users:



1. They would glance over their shoulders once every 2 seconds in fear that you are trying to rob them, and that they have this look on their face that makes you think they are withdrawing like 2 Trillion bucks or something.

2. The amount of time they take to read, understand, re-read to make sure there is no mistake, and then finally after deep, insightful consideration, select the language to be "English" in the interactive screen would enable pigs to evolve into winged creatures and finally fly. (I guess "Please select your prefered language - BM, English or Chinese" is really rocket science)

3. They always, without fail, would make the mistake at the last hurdle, get the ATM card kicked out of the machine, and they are only more than happy start all over again. Twice. Dumbass.

4. Have this smug, unapologetic look on their face that declare in one patriotic tone "I am the Queen of this ATM, therefore I deserve all the time my heart desires" after wasting 15 minutes of time of all the people behind her.

5. Those lamer girls with their best friend / sister / boyfriend / whatever standing beside them would be able to discuss about Christina Aguilera's latest fashion statement, describe her roomate's latest hunk boyfriend, tell when's her period due, detail the discount structure at Vincci AND what a jerk the last bugger she dated was. All these, to be done and settled before she could go on to the next interactive screen on the ATM. With 10 people lining up behind them in plain sight.


I do then, propose that the banks implement the following strategies to cut down on these loser's time wasting activities:

1. All women aged between 40 to infinity are to be strictly banned from using the ATM. Period.

2. Women of any age group are NOT allowed to use the ATM with another partner standing beside her.

3. Provide a specific countdown timer for each screen to limit the time spent. If the countdown runs out, the card would be rejected, and the ATM sound an alarm and flash the word "ATM HOG!!!!" at the top, similar to a Casino jackpot machine, until she walks away.

4. Repeated hoggers are to be publicly humiliated and executed. And their line of descendents are banned from ever touching an ATM card for 7 generations.

.: What I want for Christmas is... :.

First of all, I do apologise to the regular visitors here, as I have not been updating my blog for the past month or so.

Now what do I want for Christmas? Traditional answers would dictate that I answer the following, in order of least important to the most, an so my politically correct Christmas and New Year wishes are:

5. A great career year ahead
4. Good health
3. Spend some quality time roasting chestnuts by the fire with loved ones
2. Gather around the dinner table with family members on Christmas eve laughing all the way
1. Bringing my wife and kids to a real winter wonderland in Canada (No, I'm not married. Neither do I have kids, or at least, none that I know of or will acknowledge their very existence, but this wish sounded real pious, so what the heck)


But oh for crying out loud, what issit that I really wish for Christmas and New Year? Here's the naked truth:

5. For Manchester United to win the Mickey Mouse treble (FA, League and Premiership) this season to save all Devils the blushes.
4. A Holly Valance and Jessicca Alba duet performing an exotic bisexually-themed dance (with the full monty, of course) just for me
3. I want my virginity, my innocence and my devotion to religion returned back to me (not that I have much of all of them to start with, but again, that's not the point here)
2. A filthy amount of money
1. A Tissot T-Touch Classic (for those of you boys, eat your hearts out. This baby comes with Touch Screen enabled Altimeter (in feet and metres), Chronograph (split and add time), Compass, Alarm, Thermometer (in ºC and ºF), Barometer as well as Date and Time (choice of 12H and 24H))


Merry Christmas, everybody :)

.: On the road to happiness :.

So finally you walked down the aisle with the love of your life. Ah, thoughts of you brings back fond memories of our time together. You are, by far, one of the greatest and most special girl that I have ever known, though I never got a chance to tell you that. You are beautiful both inside and outside.

And I know the only reason we are not together today is because of our immense differences in social and religious believes, and I accept that. And I sincerely appreciate the chance you gave me to know you better.

Well then, congratulations to the both of you, and may you find long lasting happiness and love, Vic.

.: Sokmo @ Mid Valley - Extended Gallery :.

.: Sweeping it all :.

All of you who has followed my blog or know me personally would have figured by now that I have repented all my sins and is now a certified goody-two-shoes. However, it would be over my dead body if I'm going to let all my evil deeds go to waste, so I've decided to share some of my profound knowledge with the rest of you guys. And what better topic to share than the ever mesmerising topic of "How to ultimately score with the chick of your choice?"

So in the next 5 part mini series, I'm going to reveal all you EVER need to know about scoring how-tos and what-not-tos. Alex Hitchins once said "Any man can sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom".

Well, I'm no Hitch, but I have most certainly used an awesome variety of brooms before, from the traditional palm and coconut brooms to the 3600W Electrolux multipurpose, all weather wet-dry super vacuum, the mother of all suckers.

Okay. Before we get started with the hot stuff, we need to know a bit of the species we are dealing with here. A woman is complex, strange and extremely troublesome. But with a bit of guide, we can streamline them, categorise each into their sub-domains, know their natural habitates and traits, and we have already upped our chances.

Sub categories according to Difficulty Level (1 - Easiest, 10 - Hardest) :

Easy Meat (Categories 1-3)

1. The old virgin (Level 2) - Contrary to popular believe, the easiest gals to court are actually those that have never dated before. They are not exposed to the harsh realities of life, and very much still believe in the "Knight in Shining Armor" fairytale. Shame on you if you intend to pursue gals of this category for the bloody (literally) fun of it, though. Magic wand: Charm and deceit

2. The Call Girl (Level 1) - If even after you had duly paid the prerequisite amount, the prostitute is not willing to sleep with you, you are seriously beyond help and you can stop reading this blog now. You are better off jumping off a cliff. Magic wand: A big, fat wad of cash

3. The Alien (Level 2) - Migrant workers (whether legal or otherwise) are usually looking for a local mate to hook up with, mainly to gain the PR status, but also it makes her look good in front of fellow countrymen. Beware of the 11 siblings, 2 aging parents and 50 plus nieces, nephews, uncles, aunties etc that you need to financially support after you make the mistake of marrying her though. Magic wand: None. As long as you hold a local citizenship.

4. The One on Rebound (Level 3) - Much more guys take advantage of girls who had just gone through a terrible breakup than you know. They are lowly scarvengers, akin to rats in the sewers, in my opinion. But if you are seriously THAT ugly or desperate, I do suggest you keep your ears open. You might just come across one that had just been dumped by her BF of 5 years (general rule of thumb is that the longer her previous relationship, the easier it is to score) and you'll then realise why I rate them as a mere Category 3. Magic wand: Sympathy, Sensitivity


Tough Nuts (Level 4 - 6)

5. The High Flying Corporate Climber (Level 5) - The ambitious corporate chick who will not let anything get in the way of her career, not even personal relationships. Not really challenging, if you happen to be her boss or a very senior staff (such as an MD or VP) in another company. Use euphuistic corporate rhetorics like "the current market displacement", "capital commercialism", "senior management reconciliation" etc generously and you are sure to capture her attention. Magic Wand: Corporate speak

6. The Chronic Cynic (Level 4) - This type of girls is typically suspicious of everything and everyone around her. She thinks the whole world is full of nasty guys who are only interested to get into her panties (which isn't that a far off anyway). She trusts no one but herself, and even if she gets hooked up to you, she will never, EVER trust you completely. Beware of the repercussions if you want to venture into this teritory. Magic wand: Alcohol

7. The Rocker Chick Wannabe (Level 6) - Think Avril Lavigne. Moderately easy, if you happen to be able to play one of the following instruments: drum, electric guitar or bass, and is one of her band members. Totally no brainer if your job happen to be a music producer with a leading record company. Magic wand: Fake name card with crediantials stating you as "Senior Director: New Talents Division, Sony Music"

8. The Goth (Level 6) - She sees death everywhere, and is usually heard talking about souls, karma, feng shui, pontianaks, evil spirits, ghouls and loves dark makeup. Magic wand: I have no idea on this one. I don't date dead people. I would suggest you drug her with heavy sedatives though.

9. The Geek (Level 6) - The girls who usually want to excel in every single thing in school. Usually have a real bad dress sense, and even worse make up skills. The amount of Grade As you can achieve is directly propotionate to your marketability value to her. Occasionally, however, The Geek does fall for the "bad boy Young and Dangerous image" and screws up her life in the process. Magic wand: Do better than her in class, in sports and in all co-curiculum activities. They are a sucker for other 'superstar' geeks.

10. The Silent One (Level 5) - They gateway to a girl's heart is through her ears. Therefore, it is no surprise that many guys find it extremely daunting to charm a girl who is very quiet or shy in nature. The Silent One's standard modus operandi (mode of operation) is always a one worded answer. This is a real killer in terms of conversation. However, there's always that ONE thing that she holds dear to her heart, and it can be anything under the sun. She could be a big Clayderman fan, holds a secret dream to be an exotic pole dancer , has always wanted to travel to Timbuktu or wants to meet the Abdominable Snowman or whatever. Find that hidden desire at all cost, and you have the key to Pandora's box. Magic wand: The One Key to rule them all

11. The Hopeless Romantic (Level 5) - Enough said. The only challenge is to decide the right kind of chocolates, flowers and for the love of God, do not, EVER, forget Christmas, New Years Day, Easter, Chinese New Year, her birthday, her mom's birthday and whatever days that requires a gift. Call at least twice a day during courtship. Magic wand: The RIGHT gifts, the RIGHT place to dine, and the RIGHT mushy and corny things to say

12. The Feminist (Level 4) - Feminists are usually also hypocrites. They expect themselves to be better than men, and think they could live without them. But in return, they want to be pampered, treated with the same equal gentleness, respect and tender loving care as the rest of the girls. Sure they can live without men. The hardcore ones probably owns quite a collection of vibrators anyway. Now, feminism is usually an escape route for bored and unpopular girls. They want to be 'cool' among their girlfriends, and wants to be seen as a rights champion and matriach protector of the group. Notice how the most radically feminist biatch of any gal-groups is also usually the ugliest and most overweight? No coincidence there, I believe. Feminists are usually bitter, sore and are big pains in the ass. Magic wand: What's wrong with you? Stay the fuck away from this kind.


Nuclear Propulsion (Level 7 - 8)

13. The Glamor Girl (Level 8) - Gorgeous girls who looks absolutely delicious and usually work as one of the following: Air Stewardess, Model, Actress, Events Promoters (F1 race queen, for example) and Beauty Consultant. Usually people who gets to meet with the public very often, is well versed about the perils of dating the wrong kind of guys and has the absolutely right and leisure to pick and choose the kind of blokes they want to hook up with. Usually prefer the loaded, tall, dark and handsome kind. Going after girls like these requires a shit load of preparation, preseverance, background intelligence and deep pockets. Treat this like a military warfare exercise. For example, you need to:

i. Identify your strategic and local objectives (what step comes after next)
ii. Identify allies and work with them (her good friends and colleagues, you idiot)
iii. Initiate deep territory intel (know her enviroment, family, interests and the kind of work she does, her favourite brand of panties - hint: girls who go for Audrey are less complicated than those that goes for Vic's etc)
iv. Have good logistics support (unlimited cash flow for gifts and shopping sprees)
v. Learn camouflage (dressing up like a Tan Sri's son helps lots, trust me)

And believe me, the lists goes on and on. I will tell you guys more about them in the following series. So the bottom line? Girls under this category can be very very difficult, but with some practice, I think you'd do just fine. Magic Wand: They all share 2 common Archille's heels: Vanity and Insecurity. Be creative about what to do with them.

14. The Mensas (Level 8) - Girls in this category are extremely intelligent, very well read and usually fun to have a lengthy conversation with. One common way to identify The Mensas is that they can practically chat about ANYTHING under the sun with you, may it be from the different brands of sanitary pads to the difference between fuel injection and carburators, or from masccaras to Real Betis. The scary thing is they can switch among these topics all in one breath. True Mensas are rare, and I would say only only about one in 30 girls (3.3%) are qualified to come into this category. These girls are also usually picky, choosy and fussy about boys (sometime they stand on the brink of feminism... just barely). Every single syllable that comes out of your mouth, every body language that you show, even down to your dress code, are taken apart, analysed in REAL TIME, and their meanings translated on the fly. All these, while you are stupidly yaking away and she flashes you the sweetest of all smiles. In my whole life, I've met only about 3 girls who falls into this category, and believe me, they are definitely dangerous, if you do not know how to handle them. Magic wands: 1. Learn to shut up and listen 2. Read a shit load of books


Rocket Science (Level 9)

15. The Vengeful Ex Girlfriend (Level 9) - You double timed her and she found out about it. Twice. With different girls. You posted nasty stuffs about her in your blog, in your website and your mass e-mails to your buddies. And she found out about that too. You went up to all her good friends on the day you broke up and told them what a bad lay she was, to the absolute shock and horror of them. When her daddy confronted you on these issues, you beat him up and he had to spend 5 days in the ICU. She had sworn in blood to rip your intenstines apart, gouge your eyes out and feed it to the dogs and castrate you with a rusty butter knife if she ever see you again.And now you want her back coz you realised you missed her and forgot that one last round of pre-breakup sex for the road. Magic wand: A hell load of apologies and luck, you freak


Godlike (Level 10)

16. The Dyke (Level 10) - Trying to court a lesbian girl is one of the toughest thing any man could ever attempt to do. Therefore, if you ever think of seducing a true bred lesbian, then I salute you. The sucess rate of you ever sleeping with a CONSENTING lesbian is virtually nil. I have had the pleasure of taking up this Godlike challenge once, and believe me, I failed miserably to convert her to a more heteorosexual orientation. Was an interesting project to undertake, though. Magic wand: Nothing short of a Divine intervention



------------------

Most girls you meet out there can be classified into one or a combination of the groups above. Start yourself with the easy ones first, but as a general rule of thumb, and usually for your own health, stay away from (1) The Old Virgin and (12) The Feminist. They are usually bad for you.

16 groups of girls, gentleman. 10 Levels of difficulties. One objective. Good hunting.

Coming up: Different ways of securing the deal: An Integrated approach

.: First Customer @ Sokmo, Mid Valley :.

October 21, 2005, 1:20:39 PM: The very first customer at Sokmo at the opening of their latest outlet in Jaya Jusco, Mid Valley Megamall, Kuala Lumpur.

A truly historic occasion that makes me extremely proud and happy. Thank you, people.

.: My Final Farewell :.

My Love,

It has been almost 2 weeks now since I last felt your gentle touch, your serenely sweet breaths and your soothing aroma, together with your lovely warmth. Though I still see you everyday, the longing for your presence in my heart is fading slowly, but surely.

I still see you in the hands of other men occasionally and of course it pains me so. But I know that you are happy doing the things that you do best with those men, so for that, I am equally happy for you.

I am not bitter, nor would I be hateful. It was my choice solely to get myself attached to you, and for that, any goodness or hurt that comes from that was my, and mine only, choice.

I could still remember clearly the day you were introduced to me by my best friend on a rainy, melancholy night at my tender age of 19. I was innocent and naive, and I fell in love with your beauty immediately, and I craved for your touch ever since.

I know you never left my side even in the times of turmoil. You were the most faithful friend I would ever have. You calmed me down, you gave me happiness, you sang me to sleep. When all seemed lost, you were the one that managed to pull me up on my feet again. You were what I turned to at my lowest points of life, you were the first one I celebrate any achievements with.


My Dearest Love,

Ironically, it is for this very reason that I am saying goodbye. Faithful as you might be, I had grown too dependent on you. I know I am weak, but I could not help it. Not then.

But now I have found the strengths I need to leave you. For I know I have not treated you well enough, and therefore I must release you so could seek out joys with another man. I also need to chart out a new path in life without you by my side.

Believe me when I say this, corny as it might sound - It is much harder to for me than it is for you. But I know you were bad for me in the long run. You would one day come back and hurt me. Hurt me real bad. Somebody as potent as you deserves a stronger man. Or somebody who is less prone to a weak heart or a strong will. My body and soul is weak whenever you are around. You will wreck me one day in the future. For this I am sure.

So please forgive me if I never want to speak to you or touch you again. I know that deep down, you understand. Know this however. I will never forget the moments we shared. I will remember you for as long as I shall live.

More importantly, God Speed, and remember that I will always love you, my dearest, loveliest DUNHILL Lights.


Yours, with a broken heart,
Leon

.: Shocking :.

Let me give you guys a run down introduction of a recent blog that shocked me to high heavens:

"scums are for the dumps
Suanie posted in About This & Other Blogs on October 11th, 2005

I hate poor people. It is said that you can’t help being born – while that is sadly the undeniable truth, it doesn’t stop people like me from looking down on you with contempt and disgust. Some environmentalists say that being poor is not necessarily a bad thing, less consumer goods and less plastic used and stuff like that. There was no study done on this, I just made it up on the spot as a lame justification for the existence of poor people......"

Suanie went on to call poor people "scums", ugly people "irresponsible living organism", disabled persons "blame their genetic makeup for everything that goes wrong", and fat people "a menace to society".

I am not known for my tact nor humility, and yet I found the entry extremely repulsive. That blog entry was clearly on the borderline of being highly seditious and criminal against humanity.

I strongly believe in Karma. This person, should she not repent, will one day get to enjoy the exact life of persons that she so despise. That much, I am sure.

.: Email from God :.

To: sainthood Applicant Leon
CC: Benedict XVI, Al, Bud, Moses, Kuok Chung, Luc
Re : Application for sainthood.

My Child, Leon, while I'm very pleased and proud with your recent achievements, I'm have to reluctantly reject your application for sainthood indefinitely.

1. John Paul and Mother Teresa are still pending and I can't have another of my illustrious children ranting about this matter.
2. It is my eternal agreement with Al, Bud, Moses, Kuok Chung and Luc that we shan't take the flock of another.. Kuok and Luc have vehemently protested your joining my house as they both have 'greater plans' for you.
3. St Peter just put in another request for more allocation under the 9th Heavenly Plan for more toll booths at the Pearly Gates. Until we can solve the toll pricing issues with touch and go and Paul's credit card charges with Visa, I honestly can't let anymore pass thru the gates, no to mention spend extra dough on the altercation to the dogmas for new beatifications.
5. My son, your time as a lowly mortal is still unfulfilled. I need you still to spread my gospel for another several decades so do bear with me.

Honestly my son, sainthood and heaven is really over-rated.. The virgins have long lost their viriginity.. ( Imagine thousands of saints throughout humanity shagging them over and over again for eternity) The food here's all stale and tasteless ... white bread and cheese most of the time. there's no booze up here, no thongs and bikinis, what more to say tit flashing..
Sometimes i even wonder why the hell am i up here? no pun intended, Luc.

I've been wanting to swap places with Luc for all eternity but the bastard would'nt give in, even after sacrificing my son to the Romans...

So i urge you to reconsider, my son. Meanwhile i shall be down at Luc's place with Al for some rum and poker.. Leave a voicemail if the coverage's poor.

ciao,
GODog

Apparently, even God makes the usual typo and grammatical mistake. To add to that, God even swears and curses. I guess we all have a pretty cool dude up there. In fact, this 'God' blogs. You can check out his entries (http://kongboi.blogzy.com) here. Cheers mate :)