Thursday, January 19, 2006

.: Evil Bitch :.

Sow - An adult female pig (source:

0520 19 January 2005. A day of reckoning (in more ways than one) for me. Today is the day when Manchester United played (trashed, more like it) Burton Albion 5-0. I dragged myself out of bed at 3.45 am and was watching the game at one of the trashy mamaks near my place.

Heck, at 5.20 am, the game was already well into the second half, MU was leading 3-0, and I was grinning to no end at that little crap team called Burton which ventured into the Theatre of Dreams thinking about beating the Devils.

Yes, I was having a field day, right until some strange beast made a noise not at all disimilar to a snorting sow during feeding time. It was trying to talk and laugh at the same time, and doing it loudly on top of it's lungs, as if it's belting out "Symphony No 5 in C Minor" for all of us to hear. There was probably about 8-9 other Devil fans there, not counting the mamak waiters. We all heard the snorting bitch, alright. Heck, I think the fans from the other mamak two blocks down heard the same horrible noise as well, albeit less damaging.

And so like the rest of the fans, we duly turn our heads away from the game and tried to locate the source of the enviroment pollutant. And there's our first mistake. Instead of running like heck for our lives, curiosity got better of us and we simply decided to look.

And what greeted us there was the most horrible creature ever conceived: it barely looked human, horrible and atrocious to the core, but the worst part was the noise. It was apparently oblivious to our stares and our disgusted look, and continued to joyfully blare its trap as loudly as the lungs permit.

And believe me, that thing has much more lung space than both you and me combined. It probably weigths a few tons too and the gravity from the mass of that object would bend light as it travels past it.

However, it conforms to the nature of pyschology: The more horrendous and bigger a particular creature is, the more sound it will often try to emit in order to attract attention to themselves. In this case, it tried to attract the attention of all the mamak patrons with stories about her college, housemate's double timing scandals, how it almost got into an accident driving that day ..etc etc Strange huh? I mean, do WE really want to know all that bunch of crap ? Hell, we just want some peace and quiet to enjoy our game. Is that too much to ask?

And surely, I do pity those bunch of boys silly enough to invite the sow out for a cup of tea. I believe they would be diagnosed with brain cancer before the end of this week, no doubt. And of course, I do believe it's the last time they EVER invite that sow out.

I looked around. Some wanted to puke, others had teary eyes, some probably was wishing for mommy's hug. I simply wanted to commit suicide.

So to you who 'entertained' us with your noise and spoilt our game, you will now have the honor of being plastered on Online Blasphemy. Congratulations, you big fatass SOW. And thanks for spoiling a perfectly awesome football day for me.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

.: Evil Hoggers :.

We've all experienced this at least once in our life, and more probably countless times. The experience never fail to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth akin to having just chewed a rotten rat whole. And then swallowing the decomposed rodent.

Yes, that pretty much sums it all up. The experience of standing behind friggin ATM machine hoggers. Their MO is always the same. And they have a few basic and simple traits that distinctly separates them from genuine normal ATM users:

1. They would glance over their shoulders once every 2 seconds in fear that you are trying to rob them, and that they have this look on their face that makes you think they are withdrawing like 2 Trillion bucks or something.

2. The amount of time they take to read, understand, re-read to make sure there is no mistake, and then finally after deep, insightful consideration, select the language to be "English" in the interactive screen would enable pigs to evolve into winged creatures and finally fly. (I guess "Please select your prefered language - BM, English or Chinese" is really rocket science)

3. They always, without fail, would make the mistake at the last hurdle, get the ATM card kicked out of the machine, and they are only more than happy start all over again. Twice. Dumbass.

4. Have this smug, unapologetic look on their face that declare in one patriotic tone "I am the Queen of this ATM, therefore I deserve all the time my heart desires" after wasting 15 minutes of time of all the people behind her.

5. Those lamer girls with their best friend / sister / boyfriend / whatever standing beside them would be able to discuss about Christina Aguilera's latest fashion statement, describe her roomate's latest hunk boyfriend, tell when's her period due, detail the discount structure at Vincci AND what a jerk the last bugger she dated was. All these, to be done and settled before she could go on to the next interactive screen on the ATM. With 10 people lining up behind them in plain sight.

I do then, propose that the banks implement the following strategies to cut down on these loser's time wasting activities:

1. All women aged between 40 to infinity are to be strictly banned from using the ATM. Period.

2. Women of any age group are NOT allowed to use the ATM with another partner standing beside her.

3. Provide a specific countdown timer for each screen to limit the time spent. If the countdown runs out, the card would be rejected, and the ATM sound an alarm and flash the word "ATM HOG!!!!" at the top, similar to a Casino jackpot machine, until she walks away.

4. Repeated hoggers are to be publicly humiliated and executed. And their line of descendents are banned from ever touching an ATM card for 7 generations.