Monday, October 24, 2005

.: Sweeping it all :.

All of you who has followed my blog or know me personally would have figured by now that I have repented all my sins and is now a certified goody-two-shoes. However, it would be over my dead body if I'm going to let all my evil deeds go to waste, so I've decided to share some of my profound knowledge with the rest of you guys. And what better topic to share than the ever mesmerising topic of "How to ultimately score with the chick of your choice?"

So in the next 5 part mini series, I'm going to reveal all you EVER need to know about scoring how-tos and what-not-tos. Alex Hitchins once said "Any man can sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom".

Well, I'm no Hitch, but I have most certainly used an awesome variety of brooms before, from the traditional palm and coconut brooms to the 3600W Electrolux multipurpose, all weather wet-dry super vacuum, the mother of all suckers.

Okay. Before we get started with the hot stuff, we need to know a bit of the species we are dealing with here. A woman is complex, strange and extremely troublesome. But with a bit of guide, we can streamline them, categorise each into their sub-domains, know their natural habitates and traits, and we have already upped our chances.

Sub categories according to Difficulty Level (1 - Easiest, 10 - Hardest) :

Easy Meat (Categories 1-3)

1. The old virgin (Level 2) - Contrary to popular believe, the easiest gals to court are actually those that have never dated before. They are not exposed to the harsh realities of life, and very much still believe in the "Knight in Shining Armor" fairytale. Shame on you if you intend to pursue gals of this category for the bloody (literally) fun of it, though.
Magic wand: Charm and deceit

2. The Call Girl (Level 1) - If even after you had duly paid the prerequisite amount, the prostitute is not willing to sleep with you, you are seriously beyond help and you can stop reading this blog now. You are better off jumping off a cliff. Magic wand: A big, fat wad of cash

3. The Alien (Level 2) - Migrant workers (whether legal or otherwise) are usually looking for a local mate to hook up with, mainly to gain the PR status, but also it makes her look good in front of fellow countrymen. Beware of the 11 siblings, 2 aging parents and 50 plus nieces, nephews, uncles, aunties etc that you need to financially support after you make the mistake of marrying her though. Magic wand: None. As long as you hold a local citizenship.

4. The One on Rebound (Level 3) - Much more guys take advantage of girls who had just gone through a terrible breakup than you know. They are lowly scarvengers, akin to rats in the sewers, in my opinion. But if you are seriously THAT ugly or desperate, I do suggest you keep your ears open. You might just come across one that had just been dumped by her BF of 5 years (general rule of thumb is that the longer her previous relationship, the easier it is to score) and you'll then realise why I rate them as a mere Category 3. Magic wand: Sympathy, Sensitivity

Tough Nuts (Level 4 - 6)

5. The High Flying Corporate Climber (Level 5) - The ambitious corporate chick who will not let anything get in the way of her career, not even personal relationships. Not really challenging, if you happen to be her boss or a very senior staff (such as an MD or VP) in another company. Use euphuistic corporate rhetorics like "the current market displacement", "capital commercialism", "senior management reconciliation" etc generously and you are sure to capture her attention. Magic Wand: Corporate speak

6. The Chronic Cynic (Level 4) - This type of girls is typically suspicious of everything and everyone around her. She thinks the whole world is full of nasty guys who are only interested to get into her panties (which isn't that a far off anyway). She trusts no one but herself, and even if she gets hooked up to you, she will never, EVER trust you completely. Beware of the repercussions if you want to venture into this teritory. Magic wand: Alcohol

7. The Rocker Chick Wannabe (Level 6) - Think Avril Lavigne. Moderately easy, if you happen to be able to play one of the following instruments: drum, electric guitar or bass, and is one of her band members. Totally no brainer if your job happen to be a music producer with a leading record company. Magic wand: Fake name card with crediantials stating you as "Senior Director: New Talents Division, Sony Music"

8. The Goth (Level 6) - She sees death everywhere, and is usually heard talking about souls, karma, feng shui, pontianaks, evil spirits, ghouls and loves dark makeup. Magic wand: I have no idea on this one. I don't date dead people. I would suggest you drug her with heavy sedatives though.

9. The Geek (Level 6) - The girls who usually want to excel in every single thing in school. Usually have a real bad dress sense, and even worse make up skills. The amount of Grade As you can achieve is directly propotionate to your marketability value to her. Occasionally, however, The Geek does fall for the "bad boy Young and Dangerous image" and screws up her life in the process. Magic wand: Do better than her in class, in sports and in all co-curiculum activities. They are a sucker for other 'superstar' geeks.

10. The Silent One (Level 5) - They gateway to a girl's heart is through her ears. Therefore, it is no surprise that many guys find it extremely daunting to charm a girl who is very quiet or shy in nature. The Silent One's standard modus operandi (mode of operation) is always a one worded answer. This is a real killer in terms of conversation.
However, there's always that ONE thing that she holds dear to her heart, and it can be anything under the sun. She could be a big Clayderman fan, holds a secret dream to be an exotic pole dancer , has always wanted to travel to Timbuktu or wants to meet the Abdominable Snowman or whatever. Find that hidden desire at all cost, and you have the key to Pandora's box. Magic wand: The One Key to rule them all

11. The Hopeless Romantic (Level 5) - Enough said. The only challenge is to decide the right kind of chocolates, flowers and for the love of God, do not, EVER, forget Christmas, New Years Day, Easter, Chinese New Year, her birthday, her mom's birthday and whatever days that requires a gift. Call at least twice a day during courtship. Magic wand: The RIGHT gifts, the RIGHT place to dine, and the RIGHT mushy and corny things to say

12. The Feminist (Level 4) - Feminists are usually also hypocrites. They expect themselves to be better than men, and think they could live without them. But in return, they want to be pampered, treated with the same equal gentleness, respect and tender loving care as the rest of the girls. Sure they can live without men. The hardcore ones probably owns quite a collection of vibrators anyway. Now, feminism is usually an escape route for bored and unpopular girls. They want to be 'cool' among their girlfriends, and wants to be seen as a rights champion and matriach protector of the group. Notice how the most radically feminist biatch of any gal-groups is also usually the ugliest and most overweight? No coincidence there, I believe. Feminists are usually bitter, sore and are big pains in the ass. Magic wand: What's wrong with you? Stay the fuck away from this kind.

Nuclear Propulsion (Level 7 - 8)

13. The Glamor Girl (Level 8) - Gorgeous girls who looks absolutely delicious and usually work as one of the following: Air Stewardess, Model, Actress, Events Promoters (F1 race queen, for example) and Beauty Consultant. Usually people who gets to meet with the public very often, is well versed about the perils of dating the wrong kind of guys and has the absolutely right and leisure to pick and choose the kind of blokes they want to hook up with. Usually prefer the loaded, tall, dark and handsome kind. Going after girls like these requires a shit load of preparation, preseverance, background intelligence and deep pockets. Treat this like a military warfare exercise. For example, you need to:

i. Identify your strategic and local objectives (what step comes after next)
ii. Identify allies and work with them (her good friends and colleagues, you idiot)
iii. Initiate deep territory intel (know her enviroment, family, interests and the kind of work she does, her favourite brand of panties - hint: girls who go for Audrey are less complicated than those that goes for Vic's etc)
iv. Have good logistics support (unlimited cash flow for gifts and shopping sprees)
v. Learn camouflage (dressing up like a Tan Sri's son helps lots, trust me)

And believe me, the lists goes on and on. I will tell you guys more about them in the following series. So the bottom line? Girls under this category can be very very difficult, but with some practice, I think you'd do just fine. Magic Wand: They all share 2 common Archille's heels: Vanity and Insecurity. Be creative about what to do with them.

14. The Mensas (Level 8) - Girls in this category are extremely intelligent, very well read and usually fun to have a lengthy conversation with. One common way to identify The Mensas is that they can practically chat about ANYTHING under the sun with you, may it be from the different brands of sanitary pads to the difference between fuel injection and carburators, or from masccaras to Real Betis. The scary thing is they can switch among these topics all in one breath. True Mensas are rare, and I would say only only about one in 30 girls (3.3%) are qualified to come into this category. These girls are also usually picky, choosy and fussy about boys (sometime they stand on the brink of feminism... just barely). Every single syllable that comes out of your mouth, every body language that you show, even down to your dress code, are taken apart, analysed in REAL TIME, and their meanings translated on the fly. All these, while you are stupidly yaking away and she flashes you the sweetest of all smiles. In my whole life, I've met only about 3 girls who falls into this category, and believe me, they are definitely dangerous, if you do not know how to handle them. Magic wands: 1. Learn to shut up and listen 2. Read a shit load of books

Rocket Science (Level 9)

15. The Vengeful Ex Girlfriend (Level 9) - You double timed her and she found out about it. Twice. With different girls. You posted nasty stuffs about her in your blog, in your website and your mass e-mails to your buddies. And she found out about that too. You went up to all her good friends on the day you broke up and told them what a bad lay she was, to the absolute shock and horror of them. When her daddy confronted you on these issues, you beat him up and he had to spend 5 days in the ICU. She had sworn in blood to rip your intenstines apart, gouge your eyes out and feed it to the dogs and castrate you with a rusty butter knife if she ever see you again.And now you want her back coz you realised you missed her and forgot that one last round of pre-breakup sex for the road. Magic wand: A hell load of apologies and luck, you freak

Godlike (Level 10)

16. The Dyke (Level 10) - Trying to court a lesbian girl is one of the toughest thing any man could ever attempt to do. Therefore, if you ever think of seducing a true bred lesbian, then I salute you. The sucess rate of you ever sleeping with a CONSENTING lesbian is virtually nil. I have had the pleasure of taking up this Godlike challenge once, and believe me, I failed miserably to convert her to a more heteorosexual orientation. Was an interesting project to undertake, though. Magic wand: Nothing short of a Divine intervention


Most girls you meet out there can be classified into one or a combination of the groups above. Start yourself with the easy ones first, but as a general rule of thumb, and usually for your own health, stay away from (1) The Old Virgin and (12) The Feminist. They are usually bad for you.

16 groups of girls, gentleman. 10 Levels of difficulties. One objective. Good hunting.

Coming up: Different ways of securing the deal: An Integrated approach

Saturday, October 22, 2005

.: First Customer @ Sokmo, Mid Valley :.

October 21, 2005, 1:20:39 PM: The very first customer at Sokmo at the opening of their latest outlet in Jaya Jusco, Mid Valley Megamall, Kuala Lumpur.

A truly historic occasion that makes me extremely proud and happy. Thank you, people.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

.: My Final Farewell :.

My Love,

It has been almost 2 weeks now since I last felt your gentle touch, your serenely sweet breaths and your soothing aroma, together with your lovely warmth. Though I still see you everyday, the longing for your presence in my heart is fading slowly, but surely.

I still see you in the hands of other men occasionally and of course it pains me so. But I know that you are happy doing the things that you do best with those men, so for that, I am equally happy for you.

I am not bitter, nor would I be hateful. It was my choice solely to get myself attached to you, and for that, any goodness or hurt that comes from that was my, and mine only, choice.

I could still remember clearly the day you were introduced to me by my best friend on a rainy, melancholy night at my tender age of 19. I was innocent and naive, and I fell in love with your beauty immediately, and I craved for your touch ever since.

I know you never left my side even in the times of turmoil. You were the most faithful friend I would ever have. You calmed me down, you gave me happiness, you sang me to sleep. When all seemed lost, you were the one that managed to pull me up on my feet again. You were what I turned to at my lowest points of life, you were the first one I celebrate any achievements with.

My Dearest Love,

Ironically, it is for this very reason that I am saying goodbye. Faithful as you might be, I had grown too dependent on you. I know I am weak, but I could not help it. Not then.

But now I have found the strengths I need to leave you. For I know I have not treated you well enough, and therefore I must release you so could seek out joys with another man. I also need to chart out a new path in life without you by my side.

Believe me when I say this, corny as it might sound - It is much harder to for me than it is for you. But I know you were bad for me in the long run. You would one day come back and hurt me. Hurt me real bad. Somebody as potent as you deserves a stronger man. Or somebody who is less prone to a weak heart or a strong will. My body and soul is weak whenever you are around. You will wreck me one day in the future. For this I am sure.

So please forgive me if I never want to speak to you or touch you again. I know that deep down, you understand. Know this however. I will never forget the moments we shared. I will remember you for as long as I shall live.

More importantly, God Speed, and remember that I will always love you, my dearest, loveliest DUNHILL Lights.

Yours, with a broken heart,

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

.: Shocking :.

Let me give you guys a run down introduction of a recent blog that shocked me to high heavens:

"scums are for the dumps
Suanie posted in About This & Other Blogs on October 11th, 2005

I hate poor people. It is said that you can’t help being born – while that is sadly the undeniable truth, it doesn’t stop people like me from looking down on you with contempt and disgust. Some environmentalists say that being poor is not necessarily a bad thing, less consumer goods and less plastic used and stuff like that. There was no study done on this, I just made it up on the spot as a lame justification for the existence of poor people......"

Suanie went on to call poor people "scums", ugly people "irresponsible living organism", disabled persons "blame their genetic makeup for everything that goes wrong", and fat people "a menace to society".

I am not known for my tact nor humility, and yet I found the entry extremely repulsive. That blog entry was clearly on the borderline of being highly seditious and criminal against humanity.

I strongly believe in Karma. This person, should she not repent, will one day get to enjoy the exact life of persons that she so despise. That much, I am sure.

Monday, October 10, 2005

.: Email from God :.

To: sainthood Applicant Leon
CC: Benedict XVI, Al, Bud, Moses, Kuok Chung, Luc
Re : Application for sainthood.

My Child, Leon, while I'm very pleased and proud with your recent achievements, I'm have to reluctantly reject your application for sainthood indefinitely.

1. John Paul and Mother Teresa are still pending and I can't have another of my illustrious children ranting about this matter.
2. It is my eternal agreement with Al, Bud, Moses, Kuok Chung and Luc that we shan't take the flock of another.. Kuok and Luc have vehemently protested your joining my house as they both have 'greater plans' for you.
3. St Peter just put in another request for more allocation under the 9th Heavenly Plan for more toll booths at the Pearly Gates. Until we can solve the toll pricing issues with touch and go and Paul's credit card charges with Visa, I honestly can't let anymore pass thru the gates, no to mention spend extra dough on the altercation to the dogmas for new beatifications.
5. My son, your time as a lowly mortal is still unfulfilled. I need you still to spread my gospel for another several decades so do bear with me.

Honestly my son, sainthood and heaven is really over-rated.. The virgins have long lost their viriginity.. ( Imagine thousands of saints throughout humanity shagging them over and over again for eternity) The food here's all stale and tasteless ... white bread and cheese most of the time. there's no booze up here, no thongs and bikinis, what more to say tit flashing..
Sometimes i even wonder why the hell am i up here? no pun intended, Luc.

I've been wanting to swap places with Luc for all eternity but the bastard would'nt give in, even after sacrificing my son to the Romans...

So i urge you to reconsider, my son. Meanwhile i shall be down at Luc's place with Al for some rum and poker.. Leave a voicemail if the coverage's poor.



Apparently, even God makes the usual typo and grammatical mistake. To add to that, God even swears and curses. I guess we all have a pretty cool dude up there. In fact, this 'God' blogs. You can check out his entries ( here. Cheers mate :)

Saturday, October 08, 2005

.: Leon the Saint? :.

Attn: His Holiness
Vatican City State,
00120 Italy

Dear Sir,

Re: Application for Sainthood

With reference to the above, I would like to submit my particulars (as attached) for your kind consideration.

Recently, I have decided to quit smoking and have been rather sucessful at my attempt, thus far. This brings to a grand total of 5 sins and vices of which I have had its practice discontinued.

I stopped drinking alcoholic drinks like a fish about a few months back, although of course, I still induldge in the "Holy Blood" ocassionally. Next, it is a well known fact that for the past 3 years, I have never, ever gambled any amount larger than RM20 each time. Theoritically, RM20 or less for each gamble is an amount so small that it can be assumed that I do not gamble at all.

Next, I have been very kind to people. I have stopped all manner of sacarstic critisms or verbal bombardment towards the people whom I like.

I no longer have free flowing sex with wild girls in orgy parties. In fact, it has been so long since I last had sex (about 2 weeks, I figure) that for all purposes intended, I am considered a sweet, pure and innocent virgin.

As you can see from above, I have managed to abstain from the 5 deadly sins which modern men are prone to lean towards: alcohol, gambling, poison tongue, sex and cigarettes.

In fact, if I were to be compared to a lot of young men of similar age in my country, I think I would be seen as a pure and chaste angel, relatively speaking of course.

With this in mind, I am duly submitting my application to your good office. I would like to thank you beforehand and eagerly await your notice to attend my beatification ceremony.

Thank you.

Yours Sincerely,

Saint Leon

(Damn that sounds gooooood)

Thursday, October 06, 2005

.: Fucking bitches 'on the go' :.

I stood there, watching and cursing silently. Fucking bitches. Can't they read the sign? I look up again, just to make sure the extra LARGE signboard on top is clearly visible from all angles. Yes, very much legible, and probably the LARGE bold letters is viewable from miles away.

"EXPRESS LANE" was what's shown. And directly beneath it in no smaller fonts? "8 Items or Less". Strange. Even a 5 year old could tell what's being written. So it must be true then, that standing right in front of me was a pack of imbecile whores. That was the only logical explanation for this stupidity. Fucking bitches.

Look at the pictures carefully. They depict a very sorry excuse for being a human being. These entities exists for the sole purpose of taking up oxygen. Nothing more. A whole cart full of groceries, toiletries and a shit load of sanitary pads. I guess the new theory of the week would be that mentrual cycles does indeed lower the IQ of SOME females (not that these fucks have much of that to begin with anyway). So a whole shopping cart of about 100 items at the express counters eh? Fucking bitches.

And so happily they shopped till they dropped. And conveniently, they could just push their carts and carry their baskets to the nearest counters with the shortest queue. Who cares if they are normal checkout counters, or specially DESIGNATED express lanes for poor lads like me who just wanted to pay for ONE can of soda. Hell no. As long as they have it easy, the convenience of others can be shoved up our own arses. Fucking bitches.

Well, now you have your glories. I have sacrificed my precious time to take photos of your dirt ugly faces and paste it here on my blog (not that there's a lot of anything else to do while waiting for the counter girl to finish loading your loot into polysterene bags). Now the whole world could see your fucking faces, whores. Congratulations and FUCK YOU, you fucking inconsiderate bitches.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

.: Of Death and the Joys Of Life :.

The Reaper visited me again last night. This is the second time he has visited me, the first being when I was about 14 years old and I fell through the ceiling, nearly breaking my neck in the process.

He was deathly quiet as usual, but his message was lucid and forthright: Quit smoking, or he will be back very, very shortly, and this time he won't be as kind. You see, the nagging chest ache developed into a full fledged, throbbing pain attack with each breath.

When Death was right beside you, strange things do happen. First, you get revelations and flashbacks about the rights and wrongs in your whole life. Then, you start to fear a thousand things at once. You fear that you are unable to fulfill your purpose of life, you fear for your family and loved one's grief. Fears about love. Ah.. the greatest fear of all.

I have had a great life. People who knows me would know despite my bitter complainings, acid sacarsm and my aggresive outlook, I have always been rather contented with all that I have been blessed with. And I see how much my life could only get better. So indeed, I am truly blessed, and I pledge the following now:

  • I will lead my life to the fullest, giving all the joys to those who shared theirs with me
  • I will give my all back to the society when I am able to

So I have decided then, that this time, I am quiting the fags for good. No more half hearted promises and words. No more "One last stick, then I'll quit" craps.

I have no doubt it is going to be hard. It is going to take a hell lot of grit, determination and pain. I have also vowed to myself now that I am determined. I am not going back to the road corrupted by nicotine and tar. I want to live.

"When death comes it is never our tenderness that we repent from, but our severity." (George Eliot, 1819-1880)