CC: Pope Benedict XVI, Vatican City
RE: Stay of Application - Sainthood for Leon
Forgive me, God, for I have sinned. And I have sinned aplenty, if I may add. I have been a very very naughty boy lately, and I can't say I didn't enjoy every bit of it though.
You see (of course you do, silly me), I have been doing lots and lots of naughty things lately. You are aware of the wild parties I have been having, no? Not that any of that has been faults of mine, mind you. My nutty friends are the evil ones, swaying me from the path of rightousness.
You are no doubt in deep anger, and I fully understand. But punish those bastards first, before you castigate this humble servant of yours. They are the ones who keep inducing me with the alcohol. The will is strong, dear God, but the flesh is weak. Forgive me.
You are also aware of my unholy fornication of various loose maidens. Punish them too. If they did not show those cleavages and perky backsides, this poor soul would not be tempted so. But don't punish them too hard, though. I am rather fond of each and every one of them. Well, most of them at least. May I suggest some mild whipping and candle wax drip? Handcuffs too, perhaps?
I am now smoking more than a choo choo train, and for that, go punish Dunhill or Marlboro. Make the CEO of British Tobacco and Phillip Morris gay. And make them both fornicate with each other. They shouldn't tempt me with such sweet, dangerous allures. Very unholy (and unhealthy too), I tell you.
If you recall, recently I submitted my application for Sainthood to the poor John Paul II fella, and he has since kicked the bucket and gone to see you. I think that under the current unavoidable circumstances, it would be in the best interest of all parties for me to withdraw that application, and request for a stay of execution (it means put that into your KIV box).
I will need time to repent and lead back a pious life. Give me oh I dunno, another two weeks or so. I will start self cleansing again, and probably re-activate my application to you.
I would also like to take this opportunity to say that you are one cool dude, because other deities would've sent a lighting bolt down my arse (if you would forgive my French) by now, even before I have a chance to hit the "Publish" button. Ben, yo, you are cool too bro.
Lastly, forgive me for not writing more, as it is already 7.45PM, and its time for dinner, and then more alcohol, and hopefully followed by some good old fornicating again. As they say, since you have sinned, why not all the way? After all, the confessions and consequences later are a tad about the same.
Saint Leon VI (pending)