Monday, October 24, 2005

.: Sweeping it all :.


All of you who has followed my blog or know me personally would have figured by now that I have repented all my sins and is now a certified goody-two-shoes. However, it would be over my dead body if I'm going to let all my evil deeds go to waste, so I've decided to share some of my profound knowledge with the rest of you guys. And what better topic to share than the ever mesmerising topic of "How to ultimately score with the chick of your choice?"

So in the next 5 part mini series, I'm going to reveal all you EVER need to know about scoring how-tos and what-not-tos. Alex Hitchins once said "Any man can sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom".

Well, I'm no Hitch, but I have most certainly used an awesome variety of brooms before, from the traditional palm and coconut brooms to the 3600W Electrolux multipurpose, all weather wet-dry super vacuum, the mother of all suckers.

Okay. Before we get started with the hot stuff, we need to know a bit of the species we are dealing with here. A woman is complex, strange and extremely troublesome. But with a bit of guide, we can streamline them, categorise each into their sub-domains, know their natural habitates and traits, and we have already upped our chances.

Sub categories according to Difficulty Level (1 - Easiest, 10 - Hardest) :

Easy Meat (Categories 1-3)

1. The old virgin (Level 2) - Contrary to popular believe, the easiest gals to court are actually those that have never dated before. They are not exposed to the harsh realities of life, and very much still believe in the "Knight in Shining Armor" fairytale. Shame on you if you intend to pursue gals of this category for the bloody (literally) fun of it, though.
Magic wand: Charm and deceit

2. The Call Girl (Level 1) - If even after you had duly paid the prerequisite amount, the prostitute is not willing to sleep with you, you are seriously beyond help and you can stop reading this blog now. You are better off jumping off a cliff. Magic wand: A big, fat wad of cash

3. The Alien (Level 2) - Migrant workers (whether legal or otherwise) are usually looking for a local mate to hook up with, mainly to gain the PR status, but also it makes her look good in front of fellow countrymen. Beware of the 11 siblings, 2 aging parents and 50 plus nieces, nephews, uncles, aunties etc that you need to financially support after you make the mistake of marrying her though. Magic wand: None. As long as you hold a local citizenship.

4. The One on Rebound (Level 3) - Much more guys take advantage of girls who had just gone through a terrible breakup than you know. They are lowly scarvengers, akin to rats in the sewers, in my opinion. But if you are seriously THAT ugly or desperate, I do suggest you keep your ears open. You might just come across one that had just been dumped by her BF of 5 years (general rule of thumb is that the longer her previous relationship, the easier it is to score) and you'll then realise why I rate them as a mere Category 3. Magic wand: Sympathy, Sensitivity


Tough Nuts (Level 4 - 6)

5. The High Flying Corporate Climber (Level 5) - The ambitious corporate chick who will not let anything get in the way of her career, not even personal relationships. Not really challenging, if you happen to be her boss or a very senior staff (such as an MD or VP) in another company. Use euphuistic corporate rhetorics like "the current market displacement", "capital commercialism", "senior management reconciliation" etc generously and you are sure to capture her attention. Magic Wand: Corporate speak

6. The Chronic Cynic (Level 4) - This type of girls is typically suspicious of everything and everyone around her. She thinks the whole world is full of nasty guys who are only interested to get into her panties (which isn't that a far off anyway). She trusts no one but herself, and even if she gets hooked up to you, she will never, EVER trust you completely. Beware of the repercussions if you want to venture into this teritory. Magic wand: Alcohol

7. The Rocker Chick Wannabe (Level 6) - Think Avril Lavigne. Moderately easy, if you happen to be able to play one of the following instruments: drum, electric guitar or bass, and is one of her band members. Totally no brainer if your job happen to be a music producer with a leading record company. Magic wand: Fake name card with crediantials stating you as "Senior Director: New Talents Division, Sony Music"

8. The Goth (Level 6) - She sees death everywhere, and is usually heard talking about souls, karma, feng shui, pontianaks, evil spirits, ghouls and loves dark makeup. Magic wand: I have no idea on this one. I don't date dead people. I would suggest you drug her with heavy sedatives though.

9. The Geek (Level 6) - The girls who usually want to excel in every single thing in school. Usually have a real bad dress sense, and even worse make up skills. The amount of Grade As you can achieve is directly propotionate to your marketability value to her. Occasionally, however, The Geek does fall for the "bad boy Young and Dangerous image" and screws up her life in the process. Magic wand: Do better than her in class, in sports and in all co-curiculum activities. They are a sucker for other 'superstar' geeks.

10. The Silent One (Level 5) - They gateway to a girl's heart is through her ears. Therefore, it is no surprise that many guys find it extremely daunting to charm a girl who is very quiet or shy in nature. The Silent One's standard modus operandi (mode of operation) is always a one worded answer. This is a real killer in terms of conversation.
However, there's always that ONE thing that she holds dear to her heart, and it can be anything under the sun. She could be a big Clayderman fan, holds a secret dream to be an exotic pole dancer , has always wanted to travel to Timbuktu or wants to meet the Abdominable Snowman or whatever. Find that hidden desire at all cost, and you have the key to Pandora's box. Magic wand: The One Key to rule them all

11. The Hopeless Romantic (Level 5) - Enough said. The only challenge is to decide the right kind of chocolates, flowers and for the love of God, do not, EVER, forget Christmas, New Years Day, Easter, Chinese New Year, her birthday, her mom's birthday and whatever days that requires a gift. Call at least twice a day during courtship. Magic wand: The RIGHT gifts, the RIGHT place to dine, and the RIGHT mushy and corny things to say

12. The Feminist (Level 4) - Feminists are usually also hypocrites. They expect themselves to be better than men, and think they could live without them. But in return, they want to be pampered, treated with the same equal gentleness, respect and tender loving care as the rest of the girls. Sure they can live without men. The hardcore ones probably owns quite a collection of vibrators anyway. Now, feminism is usually an escape route for bored and unpopular girls. They want to be 'cool' among their girlfriends, and wants to be seen as a rights champion and matriach protector of the group. Notice how the most radically feminist biatch of any gal-groups is also usually the ugliest and most overweight? No coincidence there, I believe. Feminists are usually bitter, sore and are big pains in the ass. Magic wand: What's wrong with you? Stay the fuck away from this kind.


Nuclear Propulsion (Level 7 - 8)

13. The Glamor Girl (Level 8) - Gorgeous girls who looks absolutely delicious and usually work as one of the following: Air Stewardess, Model, Actress, Events Promoters (F1 race queen, for example) and Beauty Consultant. Usually people who gets to meet with the public very often, is well versed about the perils of dating the wrong kind of guys and has the absolutely right and leisure to pick and choose the kind of blokes they want to hook up with. Usually prefer the loaded, tall, dark and handsome kind. Going after girls like these requires a shit load of preparation, preseverance, background intelligence and deep pockets. Treat this like a military warfare exercise. For example, you need to:

i. Identify your strategic and local objectives (what step comes after next)
ii. Identify allies and work with them (her good friends and colleagues, you idiot)
iii. Initiate deep territory intel (know her enviroment, family, interests and the kind of work she does, her favourite brand of panties - hint: girls who go for Audrey are less complicated than those that goes for Vic's etc)
iv. Have good logistics support (unlimited cash flow for gifts and shopping sprees)
v. Learn camouflage (dressing up like a Tan Sri's son helps lots, trust me)

And believe me, the lists goes on and on. I will tell you guys more about them in the following series. So the bottom line? Girls under this category can be very very difficult, but with some practice, I think you'd do just fine. Magic Wand: They all share 2 common Archille's heels: Vanity and Insecurity. Be creative about what to do with them.

14. The Mensas (Level 8) - Girls in this category are extremely intelligent, very well read and usually fun to have a lengthy conversation with. One common way to identify The Mensas is that they can practically chat about ANYTHING under the sun with you, may it be from the different brands of sanitary pads to the difference between fuel injection and carburators, or from masccaras to Real Betis. The scary thing is they can switch among these topics all in one breath. True Mensas are rare, and I would say only only about one in 30 girls (3.3%) are qualified to come into this category. These girls are also usually picky, choosy and fussy about boys (sometime they stand on the brink of feminism... just barely). Every single syllable that comes out of your mouth, every body language that you show, even down to your dress code, are taken apart, analysed in REAL TIME, and their meanings translated on the fly. All these, while you are stupidly yaking away and she flashes you the sweetest of all smiles. In my whole life, I've met only about 3 girls who falls into this category, and believe me, they are definitely dangerous, if you do not know how to handle them. Magic wands: 1. Learn to shut up and listen 2. Read a shit load of books


Rocket Science (Level 9)

15. The Vengeful Ex Girlfriend (Level 9) - You double timed her and she found out about it. Twice. With different girls. You posted nasty stuffs about her in your blog, in your website and your mass e-mails to your buddies. And she found out about that too. You went up to all her good friends on the day you broke up and told them what a bad lay she was, to the absolute shock and horror of them. When her daddy confronted you on these issues, you beat him up and he had to spend 5 days in the ICU. She had sworn in blood to rip your intenstines apart, gouge your eyes out and feed it to the dogs and castrate you with a rusty butter knife if she ever see you again.And now you want her back coz you realised you missed her and forgot that one last round of pre-breakup sex for the road. Magic wand: A hell load of apologies and luck, you freak


Godlike (Level 10)

16. The Dyke (Level 10) - Trying to court a lesbian girl is one of the toughest thing any man could ever attempt to do. Therefore, if you ever think of seducing a true bred lesbian, then I salute you. The sucess rate of you ever sleeping with a CONSENTING lesbian is virtually nil. I have had the pleasure of taking up this Godlike challenge once, and believe me, I failed miserably to convert her to a more heteorosexual orientation. Was an interesting project to undertake, though. Magic wand: Nothing short of a Divine intervention



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Most girls you meet out there can be classified into one or a combination of the groups above. Start yourself with the easy ones first, but as a general rule of thumb, and usually for your own health, stay away from (1) The Old Virgin and (12) The Feminist. They are usually bad for you.

16 groups of girls, gentleman. 10 Levels of difficulties. One objective. Good hunting.

Coming up: Different ways of securing the deal: An Integrated approach

1 comment:

Chienne said...

goody-two-shoes my arse. you're still the evil person i first met. LOL. so which category do i belong to? i reckon most girls are composites, especially due to mood fluctuations and all that..