Attn: His Holiness
Vatican City State,
Re: Application for Sainthood
With reference to the above, I would like to submit my particulars (as attached) for your kind consideration.
Recently, I have decided to quit smoking and have been rather sucessful at my attempt, thus far. This brings to a grand total of 5 sins and vices of which I have had its practice discontinued.
I stopped drinking alcoholic drinks like a fish about a few months back, although of course, I still induldge in the "Holy Blood" ocassionally. Next, it is a well known fact that for the past 3 years, I have never, ever gambled any amount larger than RM20 each time. Theoritically, RM20 or less for each gamble is an amount so small that it can be assumed that I do not gamble at all.
Next, I have been very kind to people. I have stopped all manner of sacarstic critisms or verbal bombardment towards the people whom I like.
I no longer have free flowing sex with wild girls in orgy parties. In fact, it has been so long since I last had sex (about 2 weeks, I figure) that for all purposes intended, I am considered a sweet, pure and innocent virgin.
As you can see from above, I have managed to abstain from the 5 deadly sins which modern men are prone to lean towards: alcohol, gambling, poison tongue, sex and cigarettes.
In fact, if I were to be compared to a lot of young men of similar age in my country, I think I would be seen as a pure and chaste angel, relatively speaking of course.
With this in mind, I am duly submitting my application to your good office. I would like to thank you beforehand and eagerly await your notice to attend my beatification ceremony.
(Damn that sounds gooooood)